6: Starbar

Starbar: A chewy cosmos of peanuts and caramel….Hang on mate, it’s the wrong place you are trying to advertise.

Out of the whole universe full of stars, or in another word, STARBURST (cough cough), they chose to launch this product here on Earth, MILKY WAY GALAXY (cough some more) where it is already full of hundreds and thousands (wink) of sweets. No wonder they don’t make much profit.

So where would be the ideal target market or planet for starbar? It’s Planet of the Apes of course. Come on, crunchiness of peanuts and sweetness caramel plus little granules of rice crispies, those Apes will go nuts. I mean they could have prevented all the wars and swinging on the bridge and even better stop all the unnecessary sequels by just sending them supply of starbars.

Starbar is round (ish) with super sticky chewy caramel‚Äč and creamy peanut butter with some crushed peanuts and rice crispies for extra texture (and cost cutting reason as I guess they are cheaper than peanuts).
What not to like? They will be no brainer monkey business over there.

So in the galaxy far far away ….., that’s the whole other story. Until next time, Cheerios (gosh I’m really coming down with a whooping cough).

Verdict : 7.8/10

5: Caramac

Caramac : Purgatory for condensed milk.

When condensed milk is being boiled to death it goes to heaven and we say “halo” to a heavenly fudgey fudge. But what if it runs out of good deeds before it could reach there? I give you CARAMAC.

Caramac is a half way experience between condensed milk and fudge. I’m not joking I actually read the ingredient lists, all 4 long lines of gibberish and that’s all there is to it, a thin slab of fat, condensed milk and treacle flavouring.

I call it a slab as it’s too small and thin to qualify for a bar (stingy manufacturer). It consists of about 5 little slabs I think, can’t be sure though. This is turning into a rubbish and not very accurate review thanks to my daughter who sneakily ate most slabs as l was busy taking the photos!! I managed to snatch one and threw it in my mouth before she gobbled the whole thing up.

It’s sweet, smooth and condensed milky. This innocent looking tiny little beauty is equivalent to 19 percent sugar and 46 percent of saturated fat of your RDI!! No wonder it sent my heart racing.
In summary, Caramac is small sweet and (half) deadly.

Verdict : 6/10 give or take, can’t be sure

4: Boost

Boost: OAP’s Double Decker, kinder to your dentures.

If you used to like a double decker (like me) but can no longer manage it (like me) because you are getting old (not me) which makes you lack the strength and stamina in your jaw department. Then BOOST bar is for you.

It’s kinda similar, if you imagine Double Decker is a lasagne then BOOST is a cannelloni. Instead of layers, it comes in a (smaller) roll and with chocolate coating then a caramel layer instead of thick as brick nougat in DD.
The “core” is a smashed up shortbread biscuit as opposed to tightly packed crispies in DD.

So it’s more manageable because you bite through the medium soft caramel first then you get funny chocolate type and THEN you get some biscuit pieces. I repeat some as you don’t actually get much, mine disappeared towards the end. Then you chew and chew and chew some more. Three years have passed, lots of celebrities died now you finally finish chewing and are able to talk again, thank God. At least it doesn’t take as long as DD or people would have lived on Mars by then (pun intended).

I hear you say, so maybe it isn’t like DD at all after all that long winded comparisons. Who cares, there’s no more to say, get a BOOST bar today.

Verdict 7.2/10


3: Golden Eggs

Golden eggs : Jack would be happy to come down the beanstalk with one of these.

You get 18 eggs for ¬£1 (not that I’m counting my eggs) which is much cheaper than buying the real eggs and there’s no need to cook them or clean up if you were to drop them too.

The gold on the outside is just a shimmering thin gold dust that melts in your mouth, I reckon they can’t afford the real gold at this price.
You also encounter the minuscule pieces of crunchy caramel every (not) so often as you work your way through.

In summary, a satisfying little snack to have while listening to the music or the harp if you were Jack.

Verdict : 7.5/10

2: Walnut Whip

Walnut whip : what can I say apart from an infuriating frustration.

I was expecting something more “nutty” than a single piece of walnut they stuck at the top.

On that basis, I could invent a Lego Whip just by gluing a piece of Lego on top of it too.

The chocolate at the bottom is a so thick I nearly lost my tooth biting into it. The “whip” fondant in the middle is a bit more forgiving.

All in all not impressed, I want my money back.

Verdict : 1/10

1: Picnic

Picnic : crunchy, chewy, fruity feast covered in Cadbury chocolate.

It is exactly what it said on the tin. And it makes you feel less guilty as the “fruity” part goes towards your 5 a day. I also like the irregular knobbly bobbly shape.

The only downside is it has less nuts and fruits than the picture indicated (misleading liar).

Verdict: 8/10