9: Reese’s pieces

Reese’s pieces: X men of the confectionery world.

I have been drooling over this NEW little beauties for a while. But for £2 a pouch, I had to wait until I got paid before I could afford it.

A terrifyingly​ bright orange packaging hints you that it’s not just​ your everyday ordained candy.

It looks like m&m, it tastes a bit like m&m but it’s far from the normal m&m. The super shiny shell is much much much crispier and comes in 3 different colours; E102, E 110 and E129. The inside is like a solidified smooth peanut butter. It is less creamy than the normal Reese’s​, less sweet which means you can eat it more or nearly all in my case. They are confident that you will do just that so they didn’t even bother providing you with those (non) sticky tapes for you to reseal.

And my oh my it worths every penny (I think 50p went to the guy/gal who came up with that cheesy rhyming name). I enjoyed it so much my heart was beating so fast with joy I had to check what it’s actually made of.

And I can tell you in short that it’s a mutant m&m.

The “candy” centre is made of partially defatted peanuts. It didn’t specify how many part it’s has been defatted but I like to think it’s a lot so I can eat more without feeling guilty.

Sugar in both the shell and the candy is produced from GM sugar beet, corn and soya beans!! As far as I’m concerned, soya beans = tofu, that must be good, mustn’t it? It’s like you are eating a whole meal without knowing it!!

The brightly coloured shells are made from the artificial colourings which they proudly inform you that ” it may have effects on activity and attention in children”. Now I know it wasn’t joy that sent my heart racing and why I was extra talkative after popping half a package in my mouth.

But hey, don’t let all of these genetically modified stuffs​ and artificial everything put you off. They had obviously put a lot of effort and God knows what producing this for you. And who knows, with only £2 you might gain a third eye, a tail or even some useful superpowers.

Now I’d better go and check if I’ve grown any of those.
A “clearing Lego off the floor with a flick of a finger” power would be nice.
May you live long and prosper with Reese’s pieces.

8: Lion Bar

Lion bar : one stop shop for people who are broke.

When my friend mentioned that he left a Lion bar for me to try, I imagined a cute and friendly fluffy little Simba. Needless to say I was in total shock from seeing THAT thing : a vampire Simba with rabies on the wrapper. The image of the “real” chocolate on the opposite side isn’t much better, it looks like an offspring of Aliens that would send Sigourney Weaver running. The wrapper is so macho it made me doubt whether this lion bar is actually for a dainty feminine like me? But I braved on.

I tried my best to unwrap it without getting killed by the alien or involuntarily gaining an immortal life suffering from excessive drooling. Once the wrapper is off, the real thing is quite chunky with knobby bobbly surface (a bit PG here, sorry, didn’t mean to). It’s quite difficult to engulf it without getting crumbs everywhere thanks to the wafer and cereal components.
The “milk” chocolate coating is slightly more brown than normal suggesting less milk more cocoa and palm. Just like it’s friend new recipe KitKat. This results in a rather brittle texture that the bits keep breaking off.

The caramel is thick, once you chew for a few seconds, the wafer and tiny cereals disintegrate and you are left with caramel just like eating a boost bar all over. Funnily when you swallow, the wafer taste appears out of nowhere. It’s quite a nice surprise as I thought I’d never see the back of it again.

So all in all you get cereals, wafer, caramel and chocolate in one bar. Just like scrapping a leftover boost, KitKat, blue riband and rice crispies bar off the floor, put them in a blender and roll them into a bar again. Maybe that’s how they do it 😱😱😱😱☠️☠️!! (I’d better stop before Nestlé sues me).

So if you only have 70p but wanting to eat all of the bars mentioned above just get yourself this Lion bar, close your eyes and use your imagination whilst chewing. I guarantee it’ll feel like eating the real things. But make sure when you pick it off the shelf, touch the middle bit unless you wanna get bitten 😱😱.

P.S. Is anyone else wonder why there’s an apostrophe between the O and N of the word Lion?

A little break

Hi to those who follow my chocolate reviews.

I’m taking a break ATM as I’ve ordered 2kg of baklava for myself then hubby ordered another 2kg for valentine day.

So I’ve got 4kg of high cholesterol, diabetes and heart attack to go through before I can resume my reviews again.

Such a huge responsibility this.

7: Wispa

Wispa: Dear Cadbury, I’m starting a petition calling for the ban of playing music in your product development lab. Why? I think you’ll find the evidence in your wispa bar as explained below.

I think someone somewhere was dancing along to the music in front of the coldron while concucing the recipe for wispa. As the music dies, something in their eyes and WHAM!!! they accidentally squashed all the air out leaving wispa tasted like an aero bar with no air or a flake without the lovely flakiness!!! And that sir resulted in one CARELESS WISPA!!

You should be able to find the culprit easily as he/she should have guilty feeling written all over their face for the fact that their feet have got no rthym. Though they thought it’s easy to pretend (nothing happened and carried on with their work). But I know you’re not a fool.

They should have known better (to be more careful and not made a chocolate which is so extremely dry that I needed a whole glass of water to get rid of all the taste). They wasted a chance they’ve been given. And they certainly should never be allowed to dance (in the lab) again!!!

And lastly just to let you know that time can never mend the careless wispa that you made….
Sincerely yours
A loyal customer

Verdict: 0/10.

6: Starbar

Starbar: A chewy cosmos of peanuts and caramel….Hang on mate, it’s the wrong place you are trying to advertise.

Out of the whole universe full of stars, or in another word, STARBURST (cough cough), they chose to launch this product here on Earth, MILKY WAY GALAXY (cough some more) where it is already full of hundreds and thousands (wink) of sweets. No wonder they don’t make much profit.

So where would be the ideal target market or planet for starbar? It’s Planet of the Apes of course. Come on, crunchiness of peanuts and sweetness caramel plus little granules of rice crispies, those Apes will go nuts. I mean they could have prevented all the wars and swinging on the bridge and even better stop all the unnecessary sequels by just sending them supply of starbars.

Starbar is round (ish) with super sticky chewy caramel​ and creamy peanut butter with some crushed peanuts and rice crispies for extra texture (and cost cutting reason as I guess they are cheaper than peanuts).
What not to like? They will be no brainer monkey business over there.

So in the galaxy far far away ….., that’s the whole other story. Until next time, Cheerios (gosh I’m really coming down with a whooping cough).

Verdict : 7.8/10

5: Caramac

Caramac : Purgatory for condensed milk.

When condensed milk is being boiled to death it goes to heaven and we say “halo” to a heavenly fudgey fudge. But what if it runs out of good deeds before it could reach there? I give you CARAMAC.

Caramac is a half way experience between condensed milk and fudge. I’m not joking I actually read the ingredient lists, all 4 long lines of gibberish and that’s all there is to it, a thin slab of fat, condensed milk and treacle flavouring.

I call it a slab as it’s too small and thin to qualify for a bar (stingy manufacturer). It consists of about 5 little slabs I think, can’t be sure though. This is turning into a rubbish and not very accurate review thanks to my daughter who sneakily ate most slabs as l was busy taking the photos!! I managed to snatch one and threw it in my mouth before she gobbled the whole thing up.

It’s sweet, smooth and condensed milky. This innocent looking tiny little beauty is equivalent to 19 percent sugar and 46 percent of saturated fat of your RDI!! No wonder it sent my heart racing.
In summary, Caramac is small sweet and (half) deadly.

Verdict : 6/10 give or take, can’t be sure

4: Boost

Boost: OAP’s Double Decker, kinder to your dentures.

If you used to like a double decker (like me) but can no longer manage it (like me) because you are getting old (not me) which makes you lack the strength and stamina in your jaw department. Then BOOST bar is for you.

It’s kinda similar, if you imagine Double Decker is a lasagne then BOOST is a cannelloni. Instead of layers, it comes in a (smaller) roll and with chocolate coating then a caramel layer instead of thick as brick nougat in DD.
The “core” is a smashed up shortbread biscuit as opposed to tightly packed crispies in DD.

So it’s more manageable because you bite through the medium soft caramel first then you get funny chocolate type and THEN you get some biscuit pieces. I repeat some as you don’t actually get much, mine disappeared towards the end. Then you chew and chew and chew some more. Three years have passed, lots of celebrities died now you finally finish chewing and are able to talk again, thank God. At least it doesn’t take as long as DD or people would have lived on Mars by then (pun intended).

I hear you say, so maybe it isn’t like DD at all after all that long winded comparisons. Who cares, there’s no more to say, get a BOOST bar today.

Verdict 7.2/10


3: Golden Eggs

Golden eggs : Jack would be happy to come down the beanstalk with one of these.

You get 18 eggs for £1 (not that I’m counting my eggs) which is much cheaper than buying the real eggs and there’s no need to cook them or clean up if you were to drop them too.

The gold on the outside is just a shimmering thin gold dust that melts in your mouth, I reckon they can’t afford the real gold at this price.
You also encounter the minuscule pieces of crunchy caramel every (not) so often as you work your way through.

In summary, a satisfying little snack to have while listening to the music or the harp if you were Jack.

Verdict : 7.5/10

2: Walnut Whip

Walnut whip : what can I say apart from an infuriating frustration.

I was expecting something more “nutty” than a single piece of walnut they stuck at the top.

On that basis, I could invent a Lego Whip just by gluing a piece of Lego on top of it too.

The chocolate at the bottom is a so thick I nearly lost my tooth biting into it. The “whip” fondant in the middle is a bit more forgiving.

All in all not impressed, I want my money back.

Verdict : 1/10

1: Picnic

Picnic : crunchy, chewy, fruity feast covered in Cadbury chocolate.

It is exactly what it said on the tin. And it makes you feel less guilty as the “fruity” part goes towards your 5 a day. I also like the irregular knobbly bobbly shape.

The only downside is it has less nuts and fruits than the picture indicated (misleading liar).

Verdict: 8/10